After a recent heartbreak, I had to send an explicit e-mail to a couple of my friends. It basically went something like, “Such and such and I are no longer dating. Don’t ask me about it, don’t ask me about him and don’t mention him to me. If you see him out somewhere, don’t call or text me to tell me.”
I said all of this not because I’m mad at him (because I’m not) but because some of my friends do too damn much in the name of friendship. While I am absolutely the ride or die friend, I have never been a “Fuck him! He ain’t shit! I hope he dies!” type.
Honestly, I might think your partner is trash, but I won’t say it. Here’s why:
1. The “fuck that guy” response doesn’t make your friend feel better. It doesn’t. Your friend genuinely cares for this person. How do you think trashing them makes your friend feel? It makes them feel like crap when they were already hurting. Breakups are exhausting. Don’t make your friend exert more energy by having to defend an ex-partner.
2. People have skewed impressions of their friends’ significant others. A lot of people call their friends to vent about what their partner did wrong but fail to call about what is going right. As a friend, you don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. You may think you know everything but you don’t, so chill.
3. They breakup, you flip out, and then they get back together. Awkward… So, now what happens after you’ve made it clear that you hate their partner? Your friend isn’t going to feel like they can be honest with you about their relationship. Pride is a powerful thing, especially when you don’t want to look like the fool in front of your friends. Your flipping out may also deter someone from getting back with the person they really want to be with. Someone could be denying themselves happiness because of your judgment.
4. We’re all grown here. Unless someone is being abused, let grown folk handle their own business. There’s no need for you to jump in the fight when I can handle my own. When people jump in, they’re implying I can’t handle this by myself. I can. Trust.
Don’t get it twisted. I appreciate my friends for having my back. I know they sincerely love me and are trying to look out for my best interest. It’s just that sometimes we do more harm than good with our love. Be careful, lovies!